Changing My Inner Voice
I've battled body dysmorphia for years and didn't realize I had it until I was in my mid-20s.
I've had enough and it's time I change for me and for my family.
“I don’t want to go”
“I don’t want them to see how big I’ve gotten”
“None of my clothes fit”
“I look gross”
“My cheeks are so big”
“I can’t suck it in enough”
“I’m not wearing makeup”
This has been my dialogue since high school.
I’ve been saying these things to myself from 105lb to 200lb.
Read that again.
No matter how much I weighed, I tore myself down. I never felt like I was enough. I wanted to look good for my friends. For them to be proud of me for bouncing back after back-to-back children. But that didn’t happen.
I finally started to gain some confidence back, until a month ago I saw a plastic surgeon to start the process of my breast implant removal. This inflammation in my body from the implants alone is enough for me to want them out. But the majority of the time I sat in her office, she kept telling me how big I was and that I needed to lose weight. I told her I had already lost 35lb since having my daughter 4 months prior - but I guess that wasn’t enough.
“I’ve had enough. Enough of the body shaming from myself. Enough of the negativity I kept absorbing. Body dysmorphia is still a part of me, but I’m working on crushing that voice in my head telling me I’m not worthy.”
This body gave me the most beautiful children.
A son I will teach to be courteous to other women. To be gentle with his future wife. To help her rise to be the strongest woman she could be.
A daughter I will breathe life into. Telling her how strong she is and that she can do anything. Teaching her that her body is a temporary vessel that holds the power to change this world.
I will teach them what I should’ve had growing up in this society. I’m changing my dialogue - for me, my kids, and for you.
“I am whole. I am worthy. I am enough. and so are you." -me to you and me
“Thank you for giving life to our children”
“You are amazing”
“You smell so nice”
“I love you.”
Thank you for being a part of my journey.